I will never forget the day I stood before a live audience and shared my previous struggle with homosexuality. As a young girl I grew up in the church but the problem was the church wasn’t in me. Like many, I was a faithful member, I sung in the choir, I was a part of the hospitality committee; my gifts were utilized but I was unaware of what the anointing of God really was and that He had a great plan to use me to help build His Kingdom.
Earlier in life I had labels placed on me from my school system and they placed me on medication which caused me to think I was crazy or “not normal”. I remember trying to fit in only to be rejected by the “popular” crew in my high school. Funny thing now is many that were popular back then are now on baby number 4, with no husband (or wife for that matter) and some I have even seen in our local newspaper for crimes they have committed.
Being lost in this cold world trying to find my way I remember simply wanting to be loved and accepted. Growing up with my father being very inconsistent in my life I was left with a void which should have been filled by him instead I found others who I thought could really give me what I needed.
“Too often we try to fill voids with things and people only to end up still feeling empty for only God can fill the empty space we feel within our hearts.”
Truth is, the voids many of us feel today only God can fill them. We often try to replace it with drugs, things (earthly possessions) and even people but the morning after or even late that night we are still left broken and empty.
I remember thinking as the next man climbed off top of me, God, why do I keep doing this? You see, I know what it feels like to do things and not understand why you do it. I know what it feels like to date men and women and still be left feeling lost, angry, bitter confused and dirty.
But can I tell you the day I accepted Jesus into my heart and soul as my Lord and Personal Savior is the day my life changed forever. Now sure it was no overnight success and I still have to fight the demons of my past and temptations that try to come across my mind. But what keeps me focused and my foot from slipping is that I love God more!
Whatever is pulling and tugging at you is trying to steal your focus away from God and your Kingdom assignment. Sure it may feel good to have someone in your bed and you enjoy sexual pleasures with them. But is it really worth it when you are left feeling empty and ashamed knowing you settled for less than what God has for you?
I want you to know that you can now stand on top of your issue instead of it standing on top of you! There is power in sharing your story and you must understand that your struggle, shortcomings or what others perceive as failures had very little to do with you at all. You were and are simply a vessel the good Lord has decided to use to help spread His light into a dark and broken world. You were perfect for the assignment. God chose you because He knew you had everything you needed to make it through. Why do you think you are still in your right mind? Why do you think you have not given up? It’s because God has you in the very palm of His hand and He refuses to let you go!
What’s the next step? Now you have to be willing to let go of everything that was once familiar to you in order to embrace this new thing; new way of living the Holy Spirit wants to bestow upon. I too had to give up everything in order to receive EVERYTHING! Does that make sense? I found out that my everything wasn’t worthy to be compared to God’s everything.
What God has to offer you is more than a temporary fix; what He has is the real thing. I’m sure you remember the song that says, Ain’t nothing like the real thing baby!” That is how I feel when it comes to God. From that day to this I am yet still learning how to deny myself and tell my flesh to shut up and call forth my spirit man to speak loud and clear.
When you grow and develop to the place that you are tired of disappointing God and allowing the devil to beat the crap out of you repeatedly that is when you will stop falling. It is time to make a decision. What is it going to be? Do you love the drugs or God more? Do you love sex or God more? Do you love your earthly possessions (house, cars, money; etc) or do you love God more?
Today is the day to choose who you are going to serve and please don’t feel that you must have it all figured out! This journey called life is a daily process and I want to encourage you that nothing happens over night but the key is to never give up. Fight what you feel to reach what you know to be true and that is that God is a God who reigns in Heaven and Earth!
Join me in declaring “I LOVE GOD MORE!”